1 I’ve been on a big mindfulness kick lately. I go on mindfulness kicks every now and then and whenever I do it, there is a voice in the back of my head that tells me I’m doing something frivolous and not worthwhile. Then another voice argues that stress can cause serious medical problems and so it is worthwhile. And then another voice expresses extreme anxiety that I am too stressed out and it’s going to lead to health problems- health problems that are ALL MY FAULT. And WHY AREN’T YOU DOING MORE TO CALM DOWN? CALM DOWN!!!!!!!!!
2. I have this horrible thought that comes up pretty much every time I hear about someone I know having to be laid up in the hospital. This horrible thought is, “How very nice for them- maybe it will be me someday.” What a weird thing to think. But people in the hospital are being allowed to rest, to be taken care of, to take a break from their responsibilities- and they have an external reason for it. Something happened beyond their control so they are also excused from the guilt of not being Busy. I don’t know what the answer to this is… maybe to pull out and find hospital time for myself… time to do nothing but focus on resting and getting better. My kid is asleep and my husband is at rehearsal… so maybe now.
3. I think the most popular subject of conversation in workplaces is how Busy we all are. The more Busy you are, the better teacher/mom/therapist/worker you are, of course. If you’re not feeling so Busy, you better not admit it because people will think you don’t care enough about your job or that you need to be given more to do. I have fought and fought and fought this, but the Busy is so contagious. I mean what do you have to talk about if you’re not Busy?
4. I am afraid I don’t know how to live and work in the world and not be in a state of panic. I’ve been so much better these last few weeks but sometimes I feel like it’s an uphill battle. There are so many things and people telling me about how hard and stressful and bad things are… how failure at everything is inevitable. I don’t know what the solution is… more meditation? More medication? More friends that don’t talk like this?
5. And what is this blog post? A big huge complaining proclamation about how Hard everything is. mkay… gonna end this post now… do some deep breathing…