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Have I posted this already? I found it when I opened the wordpress app on my iPad… written during downtime at a school last May….
Schools are winding down for the summer and I’m surrounded by people with huge smiles on their faces. They have months ahead of them that they’re using to spend time with their family, get their house in order, go on vacation, and read books for pleasure.  I am a very deep shade of envious green. If I was religious, I’d say this was the Holy Spirit “telling” me that I am being “called” to work in schools. It’s been less clear throughout the year since I’ve enjoyed working with people from all different populations- but here is a giant reminder of why I was drawn to schools in the first place…. June, July and August. All of a sudden, I’m longing for days when I get to wear school colors and participate in Halloween costume contests- and be the specialist who you don’t have to see every day- and don’t have to deal (as much) with crowd control. And be part of a community. And be done with work before 5pm. And have pictures of my babies in my office up next to witty, punny speech posters. Very yes.

Just like that, I’m okay with having more kids. Just like that, I’m back to wanting three again. Because I’m not thinking about the awfulness of baby care, but the wonderfulness of a full dinner table and a crowded Christmas. I’m thinking about the pictures in my office. 

Back to the plan. This is the time that the religious person might quote Jeremiah out of context: “11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.(Jeremiah 29:11). That’s a verse they always bust out for graduation cards. There was a plan for me- but it was my plan. It is my plan. 

The thing that made my postpartum depression the worst was this feeling that I had betrayed myself. I have longed for children my entire life- and when I finally got one, I couldn’t shake this fear that it had been a huge mistake. That I had been wrong about what I had longed for more consistently than anything in my entire life. I had never been more sure of anything- and I was wrong.  At least I thought I was wrong. It’s been a slow awakening, but I’ve come back around to thinking that I would choose to do it again- and I will choose to do it again.  I’m grateful…. to myself… that I had a plan that would result in my own happiness and although it was a bumpy ride, I was right. 

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