Having a kid is so much worse and harder than I ever thought it would be. And all I’ve ever wanted to do my whole life was to have kids. This is unbelievably disappointing. You’re waiting for the “but it’s all worth it” but right now, I don’t think it is. Hopefully I’ll feel differently someday, but right now… right now totally sucks.
“Hey guys,” said the Fleecy Pink Sock to the rest of the group.
“Hi Pink,” replied Argyle. “Looks like she’s making her yearly attempt to match us up again.” If Argyle would have had eyes, he would have rolled them.
“Won’t last long” said Black & White Striped.
“Come on, guys! Give her a chance” said PDX Carpet. He was the newest to the bunch. His tags were still on and he was being held to his partner by one of those plastic toggles. He’d never known the months and years the rest of them had known being alone and repeatedly and embarrassingly mismatched.
“What? Black socks are all getting paired up too! She must mean business!” said Cow Nose.
“Dude! She’s separating all of the Christmas and Halloween socks and packing them away for next year! I’ve never seen that move before…” said Groovy Swirl, his voice trailing off a little as if he was seeing the end of an era.
I cleared out a large amount of desk clutter today. I got rid of enough stuff that I could place my laptop on my desk and use it like a regular person. I also did four loads of laundry. I also made teriyaki chicken bowls for dinner- a meal which cost me about $5.00 total. I consider all of these things victories.
My current objective is to organize my desk area and make it so functional that it’s the easiest place in the apartment for me to go work. So I’ll get more work done… that’s the idea. Already, the fact that I’m sitting in a corner of my bedroom- in a space that’s just for me- burning a green candle in honor of my intention for wealth this year and blogging makes me feel very much at peace.
This objective is part of my larger goal to not live under piles of stuff and to stop constantly imagining scenes from the episode of Hoarders they’ll do about my apartment. To not wish that the hoarders people might actually do a show on me so I could get some help hauling out the tons of crap in here that I don’t need. I filled up an entire trash bag and then some with just stuff I didn’t need from this one corner of my bedroom…
I wondered today what would happen if I decided to do one load of laundry a day and take trash out once a day for a week… Do I have enough laundry to keep that up? I guess it wouldn’t be too horrible to do laundry every day if it was only one load… to take the trash out every day if it was only one trip to the dumpster (vs. the 5 or 6 trips today??). What if I went through my clothes/shoes/stuff once a week and threw stuff out? How long would it take before I had trouble finding things to give away?
After a day full of chores, I was dying for some kind of outing… any kind of outing… So my husband and I went out to Starbucks with the baby and played rummy with the neato set of cards I got him for Christmas. While we were there, a woman walked around carrying a baby the same size as my son and a cardboard sign the same size as a postcard. She was asking for money to “buy diapers and formula.” My son had a bottle of formula stuck in his mouth. We didn’t give her anything… although I feel like I should have. We don’t have extra cash to throw around- the Starbucks outing was made possible by gift cards from relatives- but we do have enough to get by when it comes to essentials.
I really don’t need to complain so much about having too much stuff.
But I have too much stuff. And I’m going to try to do something about it.
I usually get some kind of writing done during the holidays because I am relieved of at least one of my many commitments and because holidays make me even more introspective than I usually am. So… super duper mega introspective.
One year- the only guy I was interested in in college compared my holiday blog posts to David Sedaris’s essays. I almost exploded and then googled David Sedaris. Now here I am years later and very familiar with David Sedaris and I’ll say that I will be so lucky if my writing will ever, ever, ever veer in the direction of David Sedaris’s brilliance.
I’ll be a blogger in my next life. I’ll be a blogger who gets a book deal. And then I’ll be a paleoanthropologist… but that’s another post. I really would love to write more…. I have thoughts all day that I’d love to record, but Apple has yet to make a device that connects directly to my brain. The devices I have now are always left on a counter or under a mountain of laundry when I’m inspired. So I’m left in front of my computer wracking my brain about what it was that made me have that thought “Aha! That would be great to put down in the blog!”
Today it had something to do with my favorite professor… he taught European History in the 20th Century. It was the way he said “ubiquitous.” I think about Dr. Zalar every time I hear or think of the word. He used it to describe the lice which WW2 soldiers had to deal with… “ubiquitous lice.” He had a tendency to over-enunciate multisyllabic words.
That class was one in the series my senior year which greatly contributed to the downfall and eventual abandonment of my Christian faith- and that has nothing to do with ubiquitous lice, but that’s where my mind went today. We were having a class discussion about Elie Wiesel’s Night. It was something about his description of the fire… the furnaces… something like that… and the awful reality that is thousands of people killed. Killing people is wrong. Killing thousands of people is really, really wrong. Yet, here I was, believing that if an individual dies without 1. confessing Jesus and his/her personal savior and 2. being baptized, then that person will suffer a fate- at the hands of God- much worse than the fires of the concentration camps. We’re talking the entire human race except for the handful of people born at the right time and into the right culture that would expose them to Christianity and compel them to follow it.
The concept of killing-lots-of-people-because-you’re-right-and-they’re-wrong has historical precedent. This is the kind of thinking which is characteristic of only the most notoriously evil players of history.
I said something like this in class. I don’t remember what it was exactly, but it ended with “If that’s the way God is, then I don’t believe in God.”
Dr. Zalar asked me to stay after class. I think he might have been worried that he’d caused a previously zealous follower of Jesus to turn atheist. Wouldn’t look great for a professor trying to get tenure at a Christian university… Or maybe he was genuinely concerned… He wanted to share with me a sermon he’d written about loving people “in the particular”- how it’s harder to love one person than it is to have fuzzy feelings about a huge group of people (i.e. the “flood victims” or “the homeless”). It’s also much harder to hate someone you know than it is to hate a huge group of people you’ll never meet (i.e. “the gays”).
Humans have an ability to generalize large sums of people. It’s necessary in order to remain focused on anything- we have to put the population of the world into 3-4 manageable brain files and focus our energy on those closest to us. This is a good function to have when maintaining relationships with family and friends. It’s pretty awful though when it’s also used to justify/forget about torturous things done to masses of humans you don’t know. It’s the function that allows gigantic, unspeakable things to happen. It allows war. It also allows poverty and hunger. It causes religious institutions to close their doors and arm their members. It allows things like Gods who send their children to hell and/or kill them in a worldwide floods.
It’s my deal-breaker with God.
I love John and Hank Green but sometimes they talk too fast. Yeah I know that’s their thing, but sometimes it’s just really unnecessary (for example- Hank’s “Brief History of Homestar Runner.”).