We signed up for the WIC program yesterday which we qualify for now since I’ve been out of work 3 months or so. You get vouchers for groceries which is nice, but I signed up mainly because it gives me free access to lactation consultants. The baby still does not breastfeed at all. He gets really frustrated any time I try so I have to hook myself up to the friggin’ pump a million times a day in order to feed him. I had been feeling guilty because I’m not getting myself up in the middle of the night just to pump so 1-2 of my son’s bottles a day are now strictly formula. Anybody who’s had a baby recently will know you get the BREAST IS BEST agenda beaten into you so you will understand the anxiety needing to use any formula at all might cause.

The dietician at WIC said that because I’m only doing 1-2 bottles a day with formula, I’m “basically breastfeeding” my son.She said that his weight gain, therefore, is due to me- not formula. She told me repeatedly that I was doing a “good job.” I broke down crying about this later that afternoon. He was born 2 months premature and small for his gestational age because my body failed to do what it was supposed to. Now he’s doing better because of the milk I’m producing. I’m making up for it…

Which reminds me- I was so upset at my OBGYN who suggested that I stop pumping to help with my PPD- telling me that “formula, in this country, is just as good.” I told her I would not stop- that it was the “only thing I’m doing right.”